Diary | Before The End..

It is not clear, even to me, that what happens. But something is changed, a phase of life, a cluster of continual thoughts and worries. It is probably related to the yesterday graduation ceremony, or perhaps to my official commitment. These days I only have sweets :)

Much rather. Beside, I've always heard that a girl can have more fun with a man whom she knows she can never marry. Oh, why did I tell you? I've probably spoiled your whole good time now, and we were really enjoying things when you didn't know it. I knew it would make things sort of depressing for you.
/ The diamond as big as the Ritz , by Scott Fitzgerald.

Get up in the morning, the streetcar, four hours at the office or factory, eat, streetcar, four hours work, eat, sleep - and Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday in the same rhythm - this path is followed easily most of the time. But one day the "Why?" rises up and it all begins in that weariness tinged with astonishment.
/ Albert Camus

Thank you for a night full of perfection!

"I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold"
/ William Carlos Williams

When from our better selves we have too long been parted by the hurrying world, and droop.
Sick of its business, of its pleasures tired, how gracious,
how benign in solitude.
/ William Wordsworth

At Ipswich when Niebuhr had quit it,
A young man said: "Ah, now I've hit it!
Since nothing is right,
I'll go out tonight,
Find the best sin and commit it!"
/ anonymous (from the book Humanistic Existentialism)

You think I don't know? What should I even think, when it is not worth talking about? It is nothing to me, it was nothing, it is nothing, the same as many others. We call it "a" case, which is not unique, not a "the" case. It's like many others; you can talk about it in general, and feel about it overall. Do you still have questions why I left? I hate idleness, that's your answer.

And oh, don't mix my present situation & words. It's not my ideal either, just it comes and I play. It's a play, spontaneous live play, no hesitation, no backward button, no pause, and few audiences. Some call it a game, some call it false. The name, it's not important, at least to me, as it goes and goes on... [turns]

Hello... Any body here? [with himself] When did he left, or had he been here?

I've read and marked some points, I've checked dates and details. Before starting to write, I read a book, about twenty minutes, to get the style I like, then I spread the first six main books, each with one or more bookmarks, open and marked...

It's the beginning of writing a research paper, a kind of thesis for BA. Last semester I had decided to write about William Blake, to discuss his religious ideas, and conclude that he's a religious poet, belonging to the middle-age era. But I changed my mind, and the last version of my thesis statement is to discuss Albert Camus (especially his The Stranger), existentialism and absurdity. I want to conclude that he was an existential, but didn't dare to be an absurdist. It is going to have three parts: what is existentialism / the factor of absurdity / & Camus' viewpoint.

These days I try to escape my free time. No further thinking or planning. The only one is to leave, and (honestly) it freaks me sometimes, to live alone in another country... It's all I've ever wanted, I know, but unpredictable and bitter in nature. Future is coming, and I am to go through too many changes - I know.